The Midnight News
Chriss Hyatte, I have something to tell you: I am having an internet affair with Trish "Patricia" Stratus!!! Nuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!!!! Booyah, Bee-yotch!!!
Pitufo Colorado
Then may you bring her all the happiness she deserves, you lucky, lucky bastard! And if you get her phone number, then I will PERSONALLY declare you the greatest Internet Stud who ever lived... because I tried to pull that off for 5 years using every ounce of charm (and brother, that is CONSIDERABLE) I have and couldn't land that.
Hello Ne'erdowells. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. What happened was that I discovered that Christmas Eve AND New Years' Eve both fall on a Sunday night... and there is no WAY I'll be doing a pair of columns with fresh material for those two weeks... so I took a week to prepare for a 5 week column binge... I needs my rest... you understand.
Stuff? I got it. Let's roll...
OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, OUTLAST, OUTPOLITIC, OUTMANUEVER
Ahhh another all-brand, big daddy pay per view has come and gone... hard-core recaps are plentiful, so I'll just add notes and stuff...
Michael Cole and JBL open the show then send it to Ross and Lawler. Tazz and Joey Styles got to stay home and Joey got to try to figure out who hacked into 1ryder.com... AGAIN...
Old Guys vs New Guys
-Ron Simmons got in and out early but had enough time to go all black on one of the cheerleaders... and he abused the shit out of his new catchphrase, "DAMN!
what was funny at first but... well... that Simpsons episode where Bart became the "I Didn't Do It" kid was written to make a POINT.
-Arn Anderson did less than Simmons and HE was tossed... it was almost as if there was no point to him being there. Oh... wait... there wasn't!
-Slaughter got the Cobra Clutch on one of the kids... but ol' Sgt is a bit too old to drop to his knees anymore... so the kid sold while standing up... I laughed... "Aw geeze, I'm out cold but I can still stay BALANCED ON MY LEGS!!"
-It ended up with Flair vs 3 Squadders... and I was excited because it was going to be the classic SS moment where one guy fights many and goes through incredible odds before succumbing to the very last guy (Shawn Micheals... Jake Roberts)... plus it would be another Flair "moment" which everyone would hoot and holler about for the next 20 years...
-I was let down... Flair pinned/Figure Foured all three within a minute then the Squadders all ganged up on him... AND NO ONE ON HIS TEAM RAN OUT TO HELP!!
-Crowd was dead for this too...
Chris Benoit vs Chavo Guerrero for the US title
-I don't watch Smackdown so the recap helped me figure out stuff like who the housewife is with the bad hair and why Benoit has ANY BUSINESS meddling into Eddie Guerrero's estate and WHAT ESTATE??? I thought he died in serious hock?
-Benoit won with the Crossface but didn't even wrap his legs around Chavo's loose arm... he did scream nicely as he pulled back, "YEEEEAAAARGH.... IWANNAGOTOTNARAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" It was a FINE match... and I can't remember a damn bit of it other than the "YEEEEAAAARGH.... IWANNAGOTOTNARAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH"
-Todd Grisham (I look at him and think, "This guy is just waiting for Michael Cole to be fired. How depressing.") I listened to Lita talk about how the fans suck and how she can't wait to wrap up this gig and tell them all to fuck off. Replace "fans" with "This fucking company" and every word was a SHOOT. Then Edge did his best to sell himself as something other than a DX bitch-boy. Meanwhile, Cryme Tyme snuck into Lita's dressing room then snuck out with a box filled with stuff. Those crazy blacks... always up to hijinks.
Lita vs Mickie James for the Chick title
-Lita lost... but it was a really good match. There were so many near pinfalls I'm tempted to name this match, "SAVAGE VS STEAMBOAT PART II WITH TITS"
-Afterwards, Lita grabbed the mic and was about to tell all of the McMahons fans to kiss her boney ass when Cryme Tyme came out and began auctioning off the stuff she had in her locker room... including some yeast infection ointment and a vibrator (there is a Trish joke there that I ain't touching)... JBL bought her bra for $100 but Cryme Tyme took the money and threw the bra out into the crowd... I guess they want to see how much he rags on them on Smackdown without saying racial stuff like everyone KNOWS he's DYING to say...
-Great way to send off the poor girl... and yes, I'm being sarcastic... I have more in the next segment.
-No standing ovation for her either... THE GIRL WORKED HARD FOR THIS COMPANY... GIVE HER A THANKFUL SEND-OFF
-Batista ignored Michael Cole's sit down interview tactics and just said that he's winning the title. Isn't it time for him to have a new muscle slide off the bone?
Team DX vs Team RKO
-Filling some AMAZING time, Hunter played with the crowd... and had no choice but to acknowledge that CM Punk was the most over guy in that ring... he referred to Punk as "The future of ECW" and Ross agreed a few times... which is funny since Meltzer keeps saying that ECW is slowly going under...
-IF ECW GOES AWAY, CM PUNK IS BEING POSITIONED TO BE BLAMED!!! Ahh, Triple H... you really ARE the Cerebral Assassin!
-I like how Punk, after a few months of people goofing on his love handles, now looks gaunt... like he really DOES pay attention to the internet! HEY PUNK... DID YOU GIVE THE GYM UP FOR LENT OR SOMETHING? LOOKING A LITTLE BONY, SON! MAYBE ITS TIME TO JAB A NEEDLE OR TWO INTO THOSE VEINS!! BULK UP!
-Mike Knox was tattooed out by a Micheals' Superkick within 30 seconds... then Shawn asked Hunter who the hell that was and was he supposed to be in the match? That's more of a shoot then ANYONE would believe!
-HBK also hugged Melina who hugged back thinking it was Nitro... then screamed. Shawn screamed too. I laughed.
-All the Heels were eliminated one by one and no one on Team DX was tossed... Punk had his moment then didn't do much afterwards. I SWEAR they are building towards a DX/Cena feud... they have to be... DX can't just be mowing through everyone without some sort of reason. They CAN'T...
Undertaker vs Ken Kennedy in a First Blood Match
-No surprises, but a hard fight with hard shots and 'Taker owned most of it. Kennedy bled first but MVP showed up and wiped the blood away then Taker bled and lost so Taker DESTROYED Kennedy.... this movie has been playing the same for YEARS and YEARS
-Getting tired now... and the MiC is patiently waiting for me to post this so....
-Cena and Lashley won
-Batista won.
-Show ends...
-Show sucked... no, I hated it... they DIDN'T EVEN BOOK THE BEST QUALITY OF THIS ELIMINATION CONCEPT WHERE ONE GUY FIGHTS A WHOLE TEAM ON HIS OWN!! THAT'S THE DRAMA... THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF!! THEY COULDN'T BOTHER!!
No... seriously... I'm fed up with these WWE PPVs... I think I'm ONLY ordering Royal Rumbles and Wrestlemanias from now on... the others can wait until they show up on 24/7...
AND I ORDERED GENESIS AND I LIKED IT! I MIGHT JUST GET THOSE SHOWS FOR CHEAPER MONEY!!
I have just about lost all confidence in this stupid company... Stratus got out just in time.
Horrible show... pissed away the whole POINT of the Survivor Series... and Cena sucks.
Anyway... let's focus on one part of the show in particular...
THE STRATUSLITAFESTO
I'm going serious for this, so if you want the jokes, scroll down...
First Betty leaves, now Veronica... and MAN, was it a case study in how the WWE treats certain people...
Cut the music! Yet another shining example as of why I am the most dominant women wrestler this industry has ever seen! Oh yeah after seven years, people like DX. People like John Cena have the audacity to disrespect me! But worst of all... is ALL of you people! You people seem to forget... you have a short memory... you forget just WHO I AM and WHAT I'VE DONE! Let me remind you... I... SINGLE HANDIDLY... revolutionized women's roles in the WWE! No, listen to this... before me... they were all EYE CANDY... there were no MOONSAULTS... there were no LITACARANAS!! All the sacrifices I MADE... whether tearing EVERYTHING out of my KNEE... whether BREAKING MY NECK... or getting VERBALLY BERATED BY YOU IDIOTS EVERY WEEK!! All the sacrifices I made! I INSPIRED a whole GENERATION OF WOMEN!! Without ME, there would be no MICKIE JAMES! For that matter... without ME, there would be no TRISH STRATUS!! So you're gonna make my job REAL EASY to forget about YOU PEOPLE... because at Survivor Series, I'm gonna do one BETTER... I'm gonna do one BETTER than Trish Stratus because I'm gonna walk into Survivor Series... I'm gonna BEAT Mickie James... and I'm gonna walk out the WWE Women's Champion. And then I'm walking away from ALL OF YOU PEOPLE... because Survivor Series is MY LAST MATCH! I'm gonna retire... and I'm gonna retire the GREATEST WOMEN'S CHAMPION OF ALL TIME!!!
That was a shoot... a pre-approved shoot, but a shoot all the same.
And it was all true. Every word. Well, except for the fact that she lost... and the greatest champion ever thing is arguable... but everything else.
They say it was her best promo ever... because she didn't need to act. She was speaking her mind and telling everyone to fuck off.
And as of 3:00 EST this morning (Monday morning), Lita's profile was yanked off the WWE website. They gave Stratus at least 24 hours before doing that...
What a fucking business...
You know... exactly WHAT did Lita do to get treated like dogshit there? She worked her ass off whenever she was there and healthy. She put in 6 hard years. She took bumps from guys. She flew around. She agreed to turn aspects of her private life into a storyline and deep throated Edge on a weekly basis even though her body language SCREAMED how uncomfortable she was being so sexually aggressive.
SHE TOOK OFF HER SHIRT AND LET THE CAMERA LOOK AT HER TITS WHILE EDGE WAS DRY HUMPING HER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!
She broke plenty of bones, torn plenty of ligaments, and STILL did crazy acrobatic stunts even AFTER getting her neck fused!
Oh yeah... and she is the first and so far only girl to get her neck fused just so she could keep going!
She worked the Mexican circuit to learn how to do more than punch and kick. She worked ECW to learn how to take hard shots. She practiced and trained and went out there and did whatever she could to be different.
This girl, Lita, a day or two before she went to get her neck fused, went out there and worked the ringside while Matt and jeff Hardy fought Brock Lesnar in a handicapped match. The girl was in s much pain she couldn't stop holding her neck with her hand.
Did she get hurt? Plenty of times. Trish got hurt at least once a year too... and Trish was primarily a ground worker who used gymnastic skills. Trish only flew when she knew someone would catch her. Trish did hurracaranas, but not for every match. If Trish did moonsaults. If Trish flew like Lita did, she would've been on the shelf a lot longer too.
Trish never hurt anyone with her sloppiness. True. Lita's last Raw match ended with her smashing a knee into Mickie Jame's blindfolded face. Yeah, she could be careless, but it's a two way street. Her opponents could have worked harder to protect themselves. Trish botched moves too that could've ended badly for whoever she was fighting... but she worked hard to protect them as best as she could... and again, she was primarily a mat worker.
But Trish is an angel... and had natural charisma. Her smile lit up the whole building. Trust me, even chatting with Trish online you caught a whiff of her spirit. Lita hated smiling. Lita just wanted to perform. Trish knew how to pose for the cameras. Lita seemed drugged and bored. AWKWARD... Lita was awkward out of the ring.
Does that mean Lita deserved to be embarrassed one last time while Trish got the send-off every wrestler alive dreams for? NO!!!
So before you go off and post dumb messages about what a slut and a skank Lita is... and how you miss Trish why don't we take a second and reflect on why Lita probably deserved a more respectful send-off:
1) She is devoting her time to making sure dogs are treated well and placed in good homes. She is an animal lover.
2) She did her fair share of autograph signings. She never skimped out on an appearence.
3) She is trying to bring us the gift of music. I mean, she can't really sing but SOMEONE has to like The Luchagors
4) She treated us to those tittie shirts.
5) She was really, REALLY great as Edge's heel girlfriend. When she wasn't asked to deep tongue Copeland, she played her role very well and seemed to have fun.
6) SHE COULD KISS ON CAMERA!! Jesus, with the exception of the Vince McMahon slobberfest and the Buh Buh Ray Dudley blood French... every time Trish kissed someone (the Rock, Jericho, Christian, Jeff Hardy, Carlito... geeze) was uncomfortable-and close to painful to watch. Lita, even as far back as with Matt Hardy, just went to TOWN
7) You never knew, on any given match, when Lita was going to destroy a body part.
8) You never knew, on any given promo, when Lita was going to blow a line or two... or three... or ten
9) She went on "Byte This" and allowed Matt Hardy to call in and stayed there and argued with him. This was her private life and she didn't run away.
10) She is one of the few WWE "Divas" who didn't act, look, or dress like a diva... she looked like a girl you might actually be able to pick up at a bar.
11) And when she wanted to... she could be a damn good wrestler.
Every word is true. She paved the way... and just because she wasn't able to be the total package... she wasn't able to do what came so easily to Stratus... she got to spend her last few minutes on WWE TV watching a couple of homies auction off her vibrator.
So while the compnay which she gave so much to kicks her ass out... I'm going to just say good job, Lita. Good Job, kid. I know she's not reading... but I don't care.
Oh, and 12) She never was cold or mean to me online. She never came online thus she never had the opportunity... but she still has that going for her.
I hope Lita shows up on TNA and I hope she brings both middle fingers with her.
THE LAST HUSTLE
At the same age Christ was when he kicked, local Indy guy and general New York Italian, Jimmy Hustler died last week from... well... no one knows yet. The Jews are considered suspects.
People don't die at 33 from natural causes, yo... is all I'm gonna say.
I didn't know the guy and this seems to be a bit of an impact and who am I to make fun? Well, I'm ME... but apparently, he was just a regular Dago with two chins who had regular problems and who had a habit of getting into nightclub fights.
An Italian getting into fistfights for no reason? GET OUTTA TOWN!!!
Anyway... I've got nothing to say about Jimmy Hustler... but I got my Mother on the phone and she gave me an update.
See, for those who weren't with me all these years, my Mother died from the old brain cancer... and she was always tight with God, she she's connected up there in Heaven. So, for the family of Jimmy Alicea...
BTW... note to Sean... keep Anthony DeBlasi OFF the main page. He can do his little write-ups about Mike Johnson on the message board. He's some spooge who records loooooooong messages on his cellphone voicemail and calls it a hotline... we can do better when it comes to front page writers. PLEASE!
Anyway... good news, Hustler made it to Heaven... and Mom was there to overhear what was saidto him during his first day there.
-"I smell pepperoni! Looks like another Guinea showed up!"
-"How did he weasel up here? Oh crap, better hide him before Satan shows up with the transfer orders."
-"One of our rules is that all the Paisans hand over their cocks. So chop, chop, fuzzball."
-"Relax, kid. The more hair on your back just means the bigger your wings."
-"Look asshole, Sinatra didn't make it up here. Stop whining for him."
-"The Yankees do indeed suck. SO SAYS GOD HIMSELF... DEAL WITH IT."
-"Hey Jimmy, go Hustle Jesus up a nice egg cream. Hustle, boy!!"
-"Oh look, the new guy is trying to start a fight with Elvis! How stereotypical"
-"HA! The new guy just got a harp shoved up his ass by the King! Someone get a Polaroid!"
-"Umm, the new guy isn't trying very hard to remove the harp. He's an Italian alright!"
-"And this is our Italian-only movie theater... nothing but the Rocky series played constantly
-"Hey Jimmy, what's that smear on your lip? Did Liberace give you a Filthy Sanchez? Oh, wait... it's just your mustache."
-"Why yes, Jimmy, all the angels DO look like Rosie Perez."
-"You're a WRESTLER? It says here you were a cab driver out of Brooklyn."
-"You are in Heaven now, son. Get rid of that ridiculous accent."
-"Guess what. In order to stay here you better learn to LOVE the fucking Red Sox"
-"Put that cigerrette out, asshole."
-"Dean Martin was a closet fag."
-"Since no one can get drunk up here I'd say the chances of you getting laid again are about 1 in a million."
-"Didn't I tell you to Hustle me up an egg cream? GO, BOY! GO!"
-"Heh, Hustler just found a mirror and realize that in Heaven, EVERYONE is a moulinyan. Look at him freak out!"
And so it goes...
KISS AND KELLER
You know... this Wade Keller is...
Well wait... let me remind you of the current score. Of the big three you have:
1) Dave Meltzer, pretty much untouchable and has a long line of marks who would kill to give him deep tissue massages.
2) Dave Scherer, amazingly arrogant blowhard who is about as sleazy as you can get.
3) Wade Keller, a nice guy just trying to do what he loves under his own code of morals...
And that is where the humor lies...
This Wade Keller is... there is something wrong about him...
A few weeks ago Keller proved to have no CLUE about addiction and showed off just how sheltered and naive he is by trying to compare a pill popping habit to an addiction to COFFEE... much to Sean Waltman's complete shock. It was covered in this column. Now in the years that I've read his work, he's often dropped little clues about how tightly wound he actually is... but it was that moment with Waltman that REALLY got the ball rolling on the ongoing investigation...
So now I STUDY the guy to pick up more insights into how he lives... and I found a new clue... not as ridiculous as comparing quitting caffeine to getting off crack... actually quite small.... something many would have missed... a blip on the odd behavior radar... but still frightening in its own way...
Last week, during his Raw report... Wade Keller, who purports to do this in REAL TIME AS IT HAPPENS... wrote the following:
-Backstage, Edge and Lita were being kissy-facey. Orton and Maria walked up to them. Orton said Maria is 100 percent recovered from the beating Umaga gave her couple weeks ago. She asked if Edge thinks Team RKO can win tomorrow and at Survivor Series.
Did you see it? You must have. But just in case, let me highlight the strange part...
-Backstage, Edge and Lita were being kissy-facey. Orton and Maria walked up to them. Orton said Maria is 100 percent recovered from the beating Umaga gave her couple weeks ago. She asked if Edge thinks Team RKO can win tomorrow and at Survivor Series.
... but wait... there's more! You see, that COULD have been just a one time thing... something he wrote quick with nary a thought... nothing worth reporting...
But then he posted the Torch online... and in his Raw: The Big Story recap, he REPEATED IT...
OTHER NOTES
Prior to the Lita-Mickie match, Edge and Lita were being kissy-face. Orton and Maria walked up to them. Orton said Maria is 100 percent recovered from the beating Umaga gave her couple weeks ago.
So yeah, it's easier just to cut and paste stuff he wrote before and remodel it to fit the newsletter format... but what this tells me is that Wade Keller looked at the phrase "kissy-facey", and decided to use it again, BUT DROPPED THE LAST "Y" SO HE DEFINITELY GAVE IT THOUGHT!!
Wade Keller is a man in his mid-thirties... MID-THIRTIES... who uses the phrase "kissey-facey" when describing two adults making out.
Wade Keller is a man who believes HIS AUDIENCE would accept "kissey-facey" as an appropriate definition of two adults having an intimate moment that involves kissing.
..... what.... who.... no... no... Jesus Christ....
JESUS CHRIST... WHO IS THIS FUCKING GUY????
Mid thirties, people... a SINGLE man in his mid-thirties (as far as I know... but right now I'm thinking it's a safe bet)... a BALDING man in his mid-thirties... a balding man in his mid-thirties who once tried to equate kicking Taster's Choice with kicking Heroin...
WHAT'S NEXT? If Carlito and Torrie Wilson start making out, will Wade write, "OH, ICKY POO POO"???
This... this guy isn't right... this guy has skeletons the size of fucking DINOSAURS in his closet! This guy has secrets... he's TOO conservative... he's TOO straight and narrow... TOO bottled up. He always has been, but now he's got my attention... and now he's scaring me.
This investigation will continue until one of two things happen... 1) He has a break down and shows up in the news or 2) Whatever happens after this column hits 0 happens...
I bet he can't WAIT for the second one... oh... right... he doesn't read me. I was on the Torch message board for over a year and he worked real hard to not acknowledge me... it was only after he threw me out that I heard from people about shit he said...
I look at Wade Keller and I see a volcano about to erupt... I can't wait.
All these little jerks... all they needed to do was be nice to me and I would leave them alone... fucking IDIOTS...
Who would'a imagined... when you really look at some of these wrestling writers... I'M the most normal guy around!
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Disneyworld in Orlando is twice the size of Manhattan*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
For a guy nicknamed "Big Lazy", he sure has a tight little ass!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-That voiceover dude introduces the product with a new catchphrase: TNA: We Are Wrestling... with what? WITH WHAT? Bankruptcy? Shadows? Public Apathy? Too many fans with mullets? The Jewish Hollywood Mafia? Black hecklers at comedy clubs?? The gigantic caterer bill? The fact that your dream girl married some depressed looking Dago shmuck who is one of the few people on earth you can legitimately say you are prettier than? Wrestling with WHAT??? And did the voiceover guy wear that silly black people Erika Badyu hat while he was cutting these voiceovers? And why him? Wrestling with WHAT?? WHAT??? WHAT???
-Genesis was last Sunday and it was like an OPERA!! A white trash, hillbilly opera! Which means everyone fell asleep before the fat samoan started singing.
-Saggy Jowled Mike Tenay slurred out a welcome. TNA is still your 60 minute adrenaline rush!! (I'm not sure our hearts were made to handle all that adrenaline... especially wrestling fan boy hearts... we ain't running marathons, ya' know)
-Don West screams so forcefully you can see the tumors from his lung cancer FLY out of his mouth! Sonavabitch is gonna outlive us all.
-Camera shows off the crowd... if the faces were any whiter you'd swear you were watching a Utah Jazz home game.
-Out comes that no good SNEAKY Abyss, who WEASELED himself the NWA title! Which is ironic because I heard rumors that when he was rooming with Bob Ryder he had to make regular trips to the pet store to BUY Bob some WEASELS.. *rimshot*... oh those poor weasels...
-meanwhile, on CSI William "Gil Grissom" Peterson found a bottlecap (Coors Light) 30 yards from the dead body and somehow, some way will extrapolate NOT ONLY the murderer, but the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa AND who's blood is on the Shroud of Turin! All this and Marge Helgenberger will continue to look ridiculously hot for a 40 year old. CSI: You know you need us!
-That frail old goat James Mitchell grabs the mic and CACKLES about how Abyss managed to hang upside down and take chairshots while simultaneously fighting to keep his shirt from sliding down and exposing his bitch tits. YOUR MONSTER HAS C-CUPS AND A BRADY BUNCH PERM!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
-He also has a giant boil on his left (right?) love handle... poor bastard, if it weren't for wrestling he'd be asking the Blue Meanie for a job at "Harry's Adult Video Love Stalls".
-Mitchell says Sting was OUTWITTED... Sting is making half a mil to work 8 matches a year, and nowhere in the contract does it say they have to be GOOD matches... Mitchell is considering going to his credit union to get a loan and upgrade his traveling karaoke set-up... and the 1998 Ford Windstar he drives around in has a cracked engine block... who's outwitting whom now?
-Mitchell says Sting needs to eat from the "forbidden fruit" of wrestling... call me crazy but I think he's talking about sucking someone's cock. TNA!! WE ARE WRESTLING!!
-Mitchell says Sting discovered his DARK SIDE last Sunday and now knows how to laugh WITH the sinners rather than cry with the Saints and the path of righteousness is actually the Highway to Hell and... and... and WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHOVE A GODDAM RABID CHIPMUNK UP HIS NARROW, BONY ASS, PLEASE!!!
-Out comes Sting. West shrieks, "THANK GOD, OUR HERO HAS COME TO SAVE US ALL!!!"
-Oh DAMMIT... it was that no good SNAKE, Christian! Dozens of children nationwide begin to weep... THEY WANT STING!!
-Christian bitches about how he is now reduced to dressing like a complete moron to get anyone's attention (didn't he used to wear fire engine red pants with suspenders and long blode hair on Raw? Doesn't he routinely dress in what Canadians call "Toronto Chic" but what the rest of the world calls, "Good Lord what are those faggoty Canadians thinking?) but now he's got it and now he wants his title shot. He also called Abyss, "The Masked Retard"... just like when the Rock called Kane the "Big Red Retard"... SEE!! SEE!!! TNA: WE'RE JUST AS COOL AS THE WWF WAS IN 1999!!!!!!!!!!!
-Sting dropped down from the rafters... Tenay screamed, "OWEN HART IS A PUSSY!!"... Sting landed on the announce table. Tenay screamed, "YOU KNOCKED OVER MY SEA BREEZE!!" Sting told Christian he wasn't in a good mood... (he gives his heart to God and God returns the favor by leaving a fresh glob of hair that formerly made up his hairline on his pillow every morning! Job wasn't kicked in the balls with as much sadism) They went back and forth some more and next thing you know, Russo booked Christian vs Sting on FREE TV!!! SOMEONE STOP RUSSO FROM GIVING AWAY THESE DREAM MATCHES BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!
-opening theme... NOW??
-Out comes AJ Styles with Chris Daniels. Along the way to the ring, the Fallen Angel tries to sacrifice a young, female fan to his Dark Lord Lucifer. AJ slaps his hand and apologizes profusely to the girl. AND YET SOMEHOW, THEY STAY BEST OF FRIENDS!!!
-Tenay says this will be Styles and Daniels last tag match EVER... are you ready for STYLES VS DANIELS: BEST FRIENDS/BETTER ENEMIES PART 16??? Well you damn well better be!
-They took on the Naturals... with Shane Douglas.
-BUT FIRST we get to see Kurt Angle arrive without a shirt on. Dixie madates he goes shirtless so he can't tape the pills to his chest.
-AND THEN we get a video thing announcing the upcoming free TV debut of whatever dead horse cult figure gimmick Raven is going to get... Even Edgar Allen Poe knew when it was time to just drink himself into nothingness fer chrissakes
-NOW BACK TO THE ACTION... just as soon as we get tonight's first set of...
-commercials
-FINALLY WE GET US SOME RASSLIN'.... for three whole minutes (Russo, "No one watches wrestling for wrestling!") then Daniels moonsaulted one of them kids. Shane acted like he cared, ("If I pretend hard enough maybe I can go back to doing my world famous 20 minute PROMOS!!!") The Rhyno came out to make peace between Styles and Daniels. AJ told him to mind his own business and lose some weight... and get a haircut too, you greasy ass HIPPIE!! He left among a THRONG of X-Division guys
-Eric Young shows up in a turkey suit. Tenay says it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Eric Young in a turkey suit... (those previous 385 Thanksgivings were all LIES AND BULLSHIT!!) Why can't Eric OD in some hotel lobby?
-Bad Ass Billy Gunn and Road Dogg Jesse James are in Connecticut and are about to launch an all out assault on Vincent McMahon and his DX boys. They act stoned (act?) so you KNOW they are "down" with us hip homies/Generation Yers
-Later in the show, we see them ATTACK!!
-Jim Cornette comes out and immediately says, "Russo is destroying wrestling!" Then he brings out Petey Williams and congratulates him for turning his back on Canada and becoming an American citizen! Williams says, "No problem, fag. Everyone knows all the money and fame is here in the good ol' U.S.of A!" (Well, it IS... ask Trish Stratus)
-.... *COUGHmarriedlessthen2monthsandalreadydoingarealityshowafullcountryawayfromhernewhusbandHACK*
-Cornette invites Williams to join his new countrymen in a stirring rendition of the National Anthem... Williams gtrabs the mic and shouts, "JEW YORK, NUMBER VUN!! FLOWREEDA, NUMBER VUN!! CANADA... HACK, PTUWEE" (Dear God, he's really a homeboy now!)
-LAX salsa'ed to the ring. Tenay shouted, "What do these bastards WANT???" Konan grabbed the mic and said that America has IGNORED... has TURNED ITS BACK on Latinos and minorites for FAAAR too long... (actually, we just send you all to Iraq) and now, its time to PAY, ESE!! They fight with Williams...
-America's Most Wanted (that's a dog gone LIE right there!!!) ran out with Gail Kim and started fighting with LAX. Konan shouted, "WHITEY!" and it was on! Gail gave Homicide a Hurracarana... heh, an Asian hottie shoves her muff in a black guy's face and he flies AWAY??? HA!! Traitor!
-Gail then tried it on Hernandez, but the big guy held on and dug in, (See, he knows what's UP!). One of the white guys pulled her off him before she could squirt. Someone gave someone a Superkick. Konan managed another week where he caused all the trouble and still walked away without being touched. West screamed, "THIS IS NO WAY TO START OUR 2 HOUR PRIME TIME REBOOT!!" Meanwhile, on CSI, William "Gil Grissom" Peterson announced to no one in particular, "I'm a scientist, not a police officer" for the 150th consecutive show in a row.
-Then Kurt Angle showed up and cleaned house! (Figuratively... he can't clean house for real without swallowing 190 pills)...
-Out comes Samoa Joe. Tenay started rifling through his thesaurus to find more superlatives for the man, "AHA!! THE MOST APOPLETIC MAN IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!!" Before the DREAM MATCH OF THE DECADE can restart anew, we are sent to some...
-commericals
-Back in, Joe has the mic and says that Angle did something no other man has ever done before! (Umm.... got his dick into Dawn Marie's tight little ass?) but by God this is NOT going to end with one match... so give me and my manlumps a second chance. Angle said "Oh, okay" but insisted they watch each other's back before hand. Joe said sure and a whole batch of reasons to keep these two together without TEARING EACH OTHER APART UNTIL THE NEXT PAY PER VIEW is born...
-Now, in case you didn't notice... in the space of one segment (split by a commercial break), Vince Russo managed to progress the following storylines:
A) Petey Williams "Sort of an American" face push...
B) Jim Cornette vs LAX
C) LAX vs Petey Williams
D) Lax vs AMW
E) Gail Kim's Heel turn (she'll join LAX before Christie Hemme does!)
F) Kurt Angle's "The Prime Face of TNA" push
G) AND Kurt Angle vs Samoa Joe
-ALL IN THE SPACE OF LESS THAN 7 MINUTES!!
-That, my friends... is brilliant storytelling. Sorry, but it is.
-Now in the complete opposite end of the spectrum, Road Ass and Bad Dog and up attacking a Target department store... for reasons I refuse to detail. These two losers are getting DX over more than WWE is...
-Tenay squinches his face and puckers his lips and basically makes himself as homely as possible then sends us off to...
-Jeremy Borash, who is shilling various TNA products... Borash's apparent mission is now to get his face as red as the shirts he wears.
-commercials
-Robert Roode comes out with Traci Brooks. Tenay screams that Roode is the New Gordon Gekko of Wall Street! West openly hopes Charlie Sheen can resist the evil corruption of money and power that Roode will offer him. Back in Hollywood at that very moment, Charlie Sheen is at the Playboy Mansion and is buttporking Lara Flynn Boyle while lifting Dane Judith Dench's crotch up to his face while high-fiving Jimmy Caan who is working a train with Pauly Shore on that Forbidden chick... in other words, A: He ain't caring about Bobby Roode and B: HE AIN'T GONNA GET MUCH MORE CORRUPTED!!
-Roode... for a variety of reasons that Russo has yet to make me care about, thus I won't get into... challenges Eric Young to a rematch. Like lmost of you, I'm trying to remember their first go-round.
-Then West says Young beat Roode on the TNA Genesis Pre-Show! Aha! That's like having the greatest wrestling writer (EVER) on the Internet write on a site that is 90% coverage of New Jersey Indy feds (still better than Inside "We keep CRASHING" Pulse)
-Roode lost to the New Gobbedly Gooker (TNA: The NEW Face of Professional Wrestling). Roode yelled at the Tracey Brooks. Tracey Brooks gawked at his strange hair. I was busy gawking at my strange penis. Don't ask.
-Ahhhh, now this is what keeps the damn show ROCKING! Kevin Nash held a huge X-Division meeting and announced that he was starting a Tournement to Declare the "Best X-Division Wrestler Ever!" And announced that they would be testing for steroids. Sonjay Dutt got all nervous and protested! Nash said, "Do you want to be dsriving that Ford Maverick for the rest of your life?" Dutt said, "It's a Mazda Protege!" (HA!! AND JUST LIKE THAT, NASH GETS SONJAY DUTT OVER!!! HE IS A GOD DAMN WIZARD AT GETTING ASSHOLES OVER!! HE IS THE GREATEST!!)
-Nash and Shelley held hands, announced that this didn't make them fags, and tried to sing "Kumbaya".... Dutt and a few others walked out in a huff... Nash called them "JUICEHEADS!" Best segment of the show... AS USUAL!!
-By the way... Senshi was there... looking bored and annoyed... we are very close to getting to watch him just stiff the living shit out of Shelley and Austin Starr... and then we are PRETTY close to getting to watch Nash call out sick the night of HIS match with Senshi ("I didn't get in this business to have some bald midget jump and jam both feet into my sternum! So yeah, I broke my neck again!")
-Sting and Christian had their DREAM SMACKDOWN MID-CARD MATCH OF THE DECADE match for all of 5 minutes before Tyson Tomko showed up and rejoined his buddy as the problem solver... and ya' know... they were a good team, too!
-A video played where we got to watch what we just watched... again. Meanwhile, on CSI William "Gil Grissom" Peterson is well on his way to make it through an entire show and entire SERIES, since day 1, without cracking a smile. Amazing.
-The show ends.
I liked this one... no, not the SHOW... I liked this Mop-Up. Funny shit. Yep.
But before I go...
HE CAME, HE SAW, HE SHAT
Every so often, a character shows up on television who pretty much takes the country by STORM!
And every so often, an actor who's time seems to have passed, gets to completely win over a whole new audience.
Right now, the actor is William Shatner, the show is Boston Legal, the character is "Denny Crane"...
And he will rock you:
Denny Crane: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
Witness: Yes.
Denny Crane: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Witness: Yes.
Denny Crane: You were fully informed.
Witness: I was.
Denny Crane: You consented.
Witness: I did.
Denny Crane: Take it again?
Witness: Absolutely.
Denny Crane: Like the doctor?
Witness: Love him.
Denny Crane: How's your memory?
Witness: My memory's fine.
Denny Crane: What's my name?
Witness: Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Like you mean it!
Witness: DENNY CRANE!
Denny Crane: WHAT'S MY NAME?
Witness: DENNY CRANE!
Denny Crane: No further questions.
(to the Jury, he confidently points to himself and mouths, "Denny Crane.")
To Hell with ECW... Boston Legal, Denny Crane, WILLIAM SHATNER... Tuesdays at 10 pm on ABC...
And James Spader is pretty friggin' cool too!
I'm done. Next week, the ECW PPV that I ain't ordering... READING MATERIAL... and... no, that's all I have planned right now.
And if you look down one line, you'll see a number... a single digit number... and every column it gets smaller.
What does it mean? What do you think it means? What do you want it to mean? I don't ask for much, but I've got some thinking to do about things and I would appreciate feedback. The e-mail is at the bottom.
OR... from time to time I will be on AIM (Hyatte1com) with an away message. Drop me a note, please... tell me if it's time to pack it in.
And for this... I'll be 100% confidential... no reposting here in this column
And I might even listen
08
This is Hyatte